Boundaries are often seen simply as saying “no,” stopping a behavior, or creating distance.

In reality, they are much more than that. A boundary is not merely about setting a rule; it is about providing a safe framework for the relationship, preserving trust, and being able to accompany someone through difficult emotions.

This is where resilience truly comes into play. A person learns to cope with challenging emotions only when they have someone by their side who remains present, attuned, and willing to share the weight of those feelings.

Boundaries Are More Than Just Saying “No”

“I’ve told them so many times, but they still don’t understand” is a familiar frustration in relationships.

Often, this happens because the boundary is set solely in response to behavior, without addressing its emotional context.

A boundary is most effective when it is established within the relationship and in a way that acknowledges the other person’s feelings.

This is just as true in adult relationships: simply saying “I don’t want this” is not enough; we must also express why, while remaining mindful of the emotional impact.

Resilience Grows Through Holding, Not Suppressing

A strong and flexible inner self is not developed by being left alone with painful feelings.

Instead of stepping back with a dismissive “You’ll get over it,” it is far more powerful to say, “I’m here with you; I will stay with you through this.”

In relationships, this approach offers both the safety of the boundary and the reassurance of emotional support.

Resilience flourishes when there is a combination of secure connection and emotional accompaniment.

Positive and Relational Boundaries

Positive boundaries are not about punishment; they exist to protect the relationship and maintain trust.

In this approach, even when we say “no,” the connection remains intact, the reason behind the boundary is explained, and space is made for emotions.

For example:

Saying “You can’t talk to me like that” alone may not be enough.

Instead: “What you’re saying is hurtful to me. When I feel this way, I can’t continue the conversation.” This both sets a clear limit and creates space for emotional expression.

Resilience in Adult Relationships

In romantic partnerships, friendships, and professional settings, boundaries strengthen trust when they protect rather than sever the relationship.

In secure relationships, people can be close and also take healthy distance when needed.

Resilience is not only about standing strong alone; it is about being able to carry difficult emotions together with others.

The presence of someone who says “I’m here” is far more healing than the demand to face hardship alone.

Staying in Touch With Our Own Emotions

Setting boundaries is not only about the other person; it is also about our own emotional process.

How we respond to someone’s anger, how we react to their need for closeness, or why we are uncomfortable with distance; these are often rooted in our own past experiences.

When we can name and understand our own emotions, we are better able to hold space for the emotions of others.

This is the foundation of both personal and relational resilience.

Conclusion: Connection and Boundaries Go Hand in Hand

Setting boundaries is a way to protect trust, respect, and emotional connection within a relationship.

Boundaries that are emotionally attuned, non-cutting, and grounded in safety both nurture the relationship and strengthen resilience.

Because resilience is not only about standing strong. It is about carrying difficult emotions together.

Introduction

Today, I will explore the presence of a sexual space within the therapy room. However, before delving into this concept, I want to start with a broader perspective by examining the body—one of the first elements that come to mind when thinking about sexuality. In psychotherapy, the body is often a relatively neglected area of discussion. Many therapeutic approaches primarily focus on thoughts, cognitions, and past memories—domains more closely associated with the mind.

The Body in Existential Thought and Therapy

Existential philosophy, and consequently existential therapy, assigns significant importance to the body. From the early days of existential thought to the present, this emphasis has remained central. Existential philosophy emerged in an intellectual climate where the mind and body were considered separate, almost independent entities. It challenged this dualistic perspective by asserting the inseparability of mind and body. Historically, the mind was often placed on a pedestal, regarded as more sacred than the body. Consequently, attention to the body, its significance, and its prioritization in philosophical and psychotherapeutic discussions came later and remained at risk of being overlooked.

Existentialism, however, restores the body to its rightful place, arguing that it is as important as the mind and that a balance must be maintained between the two. This perspective led to the emergence of a group of thinkers who contended that truly understanding an individual is only possible through a holistic, unfragmented approach. Existential therapy, rooted in this belief, invites psychotherapists to consider individuals as whole beings rather than compartmentalized entities. Consequently, any subject we explore should be examined from multiple dimensions and layers.

Dasein and the Holistic Approach

The holistic nature of existential psychotherapy is well illustrated through the concept of Dasein, introduced by existential philosopher Martin Heidegger. Dasein can be roughly defined as an individual’s subjective world. This subjective world is inherently multi-layered, encompassing physical existence, interpersonal relationships, personal preferences, values, and much more. Heidegger’s Dasein challenges reductionist perspectives, emphasizing that individuals are more than the sum of their fragmented descriptions. Naturally, our physical existence and our bodies constitute essential aspects of our Dasein. Indeed, it is through our bodies that we exist in the world—we perceive, interact, experience, and establish connections through them.

For instance, we engage with the world through our bodies when we drink a glass of water, hold and examine an object, walk to a destination, make eye contact, engage in conversation, or extend a touch. Every interaction requiring connection is mediated by the body. Even in this very moment—I am speaking, and at least part of my body is present before you. We are sharing a space, perhaps forming a connection, even if asymmetrically. This leads us to the relational aspect of existence: our fundamental need to connect with others and the world through our bodies. Since the body serves as a medium for engagement, all interactions are necessarily embodied. This is precisely where sexuality enters the discussion—as the dimension in which we extend ourselves through our bodies, form connections, make genuine contact, and resonate with one another.

An Existential Perspective on Sexuality

To further clarify this discussion, it is helpful to provide an existential definition of sexuality. When considering sexuality, people often focus on its physical aspects—most notably, sex. However, existentialism does not confine sexuality to mere physicality. While sex is undeniably a significant component, sexuality encompasses far more. Reducing sexuality to sexual behaviors alone significantly narrows its meaning, much like reducing a person to either their mind or their body. Just as psychotherapy has historically confined desirable human traits to the domain of the mind, modern perspectives on sexuality often limit it to the physical. However, conceptualizing sexuality solely in physical terms distances us from a true understanding of human nature. A more comprehensive, multidimensional perspective leads to a deeper appreciation of sexuality.

So, what else does sexuality encompass? Understandably, the term evokes different associations for different individuals. Personally, when I reflect on sexuality, words like desire, passion, excitement, and vitality come to mind. From an existential viewpoint, sexuality is intertwined with following one’s desires, feeling passion, experiencing curiosity, and engaging in spaces that bring vitality. Whenever we interact with ourselves, others, or the world with passion, experiencing a sense of liveliness and meaning, sexuality is present. Sexuality emerges in spaces where our desire and curiosity guide us.

Conversely, disengagement—going through life without desire or curiosity, becoming disconnected from oneself, and leading an existence devoid of vitality—results in the loss of a sexual space. To illustrate, let us consider this very conference. Many people have gathered here today, each with a different reason for attending. If we examine these reasons, do they connect us to a more sexual, vibrant part of ourselves, or do they lead us toward lifelessness? Are we listening with curiosity, or is another motivation at play?

Even a seemingly mundane action, depending on the underlying motivation, can either connect us to a sexual space or distance us from it. Following one's desires fosters vitality and fulfillment, whereas losing touch with one’s curiosity, desires, and sexual space can have profound consequences. Ultimately, the loss of a sexual space is not a cause but a result—one that reflects an individual’s detachment from themselves, their desires, and what excites them. Such detachment can lead to a stagnant, lifeless existence.

Sexuality in the Therapy Room

How does all of this relate to the therapy room, the therapist, and the client? As mentioned earlier, sexuality is the fundamental way we project ourselves onto the world and others through our bodies. This quality makes sexuality the foundation of all human relationships. According to existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, human existence is inherently relational, and Maurice Merleau-Ponty likens sexuality to an atmosphere—an ever-present force, diffused around us like a scent or a sound. Consequently, psychotherapy, as a space where two individuals meet and ideally form a relationship, cannot be devoid of sexual meanings.

By sexual meanings, I do not solely refer to the physical but rather to an existential understanding of sexuality that extends far beyond mere corporeality. At this juncture, some important questions arise:

• Is the mere act of a therapist and a client meeting at regular intervals sufficient to make the therapy room a sexual space?
• If not, what transforms the therapy room into a sexual space?
• What prevents a therapy room from becoming a sexual space?

To answer these questions, we must examine the presence of the therapist and the client within the room, as they are the ones creating the therapeutic relationship. The most fundamental condition for establishing a sexual space is the occurrence of a genuine encounter within the therapy room. As existential therapist Ludwig Binswanger suggests, this requires the therapist to be fully present. Presence entails being there despite all the uncertainties and unknowns that the therapeutic process and the client’s narrative may bring. It means not only engaging with what the client presents but also demonstrating a willingness and eagerness to explore it.

Binswanger’s concept of presence is crucial for the formation of a sexual space in therapy. True presence requires the therapist to be open to encountering both the client and themselves. This readiness brings forth a critical question: What motivates the therapist to sit in that chair? Does the therapist feel passion and curiosity toward their profession? Can they maintain their curiosity toward their clients? Are they eager to listen? A therapist’s willingness to be fully present is key to fostering a space where genuine connection, vitality, and ultimately, sexuality, can emerge.